'American Idol' Has a Winner: It's . . . David

Rocker/word-geek David Cook won "American Idol," trouncing presumed winner little David Archuleta by 12 million votes, host Ryan Seacrest announced on last night's two-hour finale.

A record 97.5 million votes were cast -- the same, Seacrest says, as if every single person in Canada, Spain, Ireland and Australia had cast one vote.

And what an infomercial it was! Only four minutes in, the Idolettes are already shilling for the Fox network's summer series "So You Think You Can Dance."

Not coincidentally, Janice Dickinson is seen in the audience, shouting, "I love you!" at some poor unsuspecting Idolette onstage, by way of plugging herself and her Oxygen reality series, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency."

By 8:13 p.m. they are shamelessly hawking the Paramount flick "The Love Guru," who, Seacrest insists, is the official "American Idol" guru. Of course it's Mike Myers playing Guru Pitka. And, just like the previous night with the whole boxing robes and gloves gag, David Cook seems way too comfortable for a rocker guy helping to promote this flick. The Two Davids go to meet Guru Pitka at his ashram. David Cook, his hair still looking like a freshly thatched roof, though the here-again/gone-again Coroner Munchkin side curls are gone again, greets Myers with the movie's faux salutation, "Mariska Hargitay."

Baby Elmo Archuleta, meanwhile, looks utterly miserable, listening to Myers talk about how he, Baby Elmo, is very young but soon will have hair "in weird and wonderful places."

"It was a very 'interesting' session -- I had no idea what he was talking about," Baby Elmo says, uncomfortably. Cook, on the other hand, vamps: "I thought his advice was contradictory 'cause I've read his book" -- something no self-respecting rocker would do.

The Two Davids are handed the keys to Ford Hybrid SUVs because, Seacrest says, they got great feedback on their starring moments in this season's Ford Music Videos.

Around 8:45, ABC late-night guy Jimmy Kimmel gets to do a few minutes of stand-up: "I valet-parked outside -- how much should I tip Sanjaya?" Da-dum-dum!

Not until 8:55 do we see one of the Davids -- Thatched-Roof David -- finally get to sing a whole tune. It's "Sharp Dressed Man," with ZZ Top. They've got a tour coming up this summer! What are the odds?

Last year's winner, Jordin Sparks, is living the "Idol" dream, we're told. "But why should I have all the fun?" she asks from Disney World. We agree.

Turns out, she shouldn't. You, too, can audition just like on "American Idol" at the American Idol Experience at Disney World in Florida, she says.