— CBS News, Miami

That’s all, huh?

For a few strange hours on Tuesday, Business Insider wanted to know, “Why do some people hate the Jews?”

That’s — wow, that’s a pretty serious question, Business Insider! Do you know how to get a productive answer on that?

I could be writing about the zombie, face-eating, drug-addled, naked man in Miami. But I decided it would be less soul-destroying to comment on the doings of cable news commenters  

Who knows whether in the long term I am right.

I don’t mean in the actual world.

There are some places where I strongly, strongly recommend against trying to Meet Someone.

In the self-help aisles of bookstores. In a police line-up. Speed dating. At STD clinics. On any reality television show dedicated to Meeting Your Soulmate that includes a hot tub.

But when more than 18,000 people signed a petition demanding proof that Mitt Romney was not a unicorn (unicorns, as the petition pointed out, are ineligible for the presidency of the United States), Bennett remained silent.

He couldn’t even apologize for his racist comments about Asian shop owners (“We got to do something about these Asians coming in and opening up businesses and dirty shops.”) and Filipino nurses (“It’s so bad, that if you go to the hospital now, you find a number of immigrants who are nurses, particularly from the Philippines.... And no offense, but let’s grow our own teachers, let’s grow our own nurses — and so that we don’t have to be scrounging around in our community clinics and other kinds of places — having to hire people from somewhere else”) without digging another hole.

People have a fundamental hankering for news. They always have. News at its most primitive level is simply an expansion of the possible subjects for gossip, and gossip has fueled our conversations ever since we first sat around fires roasting large hunks of mammoth meat.

A dinner with Mitt Romney is bad enough.

But there are a good number of people out there — Mitt Romney used to be one of them — who would give you $3 if you said that you would ensure that never, at any point in their lives, would they be forced to eat dinner with Donald Trump.

First President Obama runs an ad in which former steel workers call Bain a vampire because “they came in and sucked the life out of us.”

I got a few indignant phone calls from the vampire lobby complaining that “while it is true that this is what vampires do in some cases, in other cases, a vampire’s bite can prevent you from ever dying and give you new energy you never thought you had.” There was a meditative pause, “Of course, sometimes this immortality requires you to keep strange hours. But this is the global economy!”

Ever since I heard that Baz Luhrmann was adapting “The Great Gatsby” as a movie, I secretly hoped that he would insert one major plot point, character, or theme that did not appear in the book, just to make the lives of America’s high school teachers a little bit easier. The news that the adaptation was in 3D came as a relief. All the students who wrote essays about the symbolism of the moment when Dr. T. J. Eckleburg’s eyes surged out of the sign and began rampaging through East Egg, devastating everything in their wake, would be easy to spot.

No one on the Internet seems to know.

Type “I don’t know where to put” into Google and “commas” is the fifth suggestion.

We’re all lost and adrift, or lost, and adrift, or lost,,,,,, and,,, adrift.

Who, exactly, watches “Meet the Press”?

When Cory Booker is rescuing people from burning buildings, that’s one thing. Everyone sits up and takes notice. When the mayor of Newark is darting around making Chuck Norris look bad, that is the only thing to do.

It is true. And like the shark, the punster tends to lose his chum pretty quickly. Puns are like grenades. You throw one into the midst of conversation and generally, after the smoke clears, you’ve lost several friends and the survivors are groaning.