(“John Carter” cost $250 million or so to make and was a bust at the box office. Pujols cost $250 million or so to land and has been a bust at the ballpark.)

(Okay, some of you don’t know — you don’t follow chess and you don’t think it’s a sport. Well, friends, at a minimum, it’s “mental sport.” And, as far as I’m concerned, Bobby Fischer was every bit the athlete that Michael Jordan was; both were hyper-competitive and ruthless in their pursuits, plus Fischer was a better trash talker.)

1. Is it possible for Subway’s Jared and the Progressive Insurance woman to elope and move abroad?

2. As a precautionary measure, I do not operate any heavy machinery for 24 hours after listening to Hubie Brown on an NBA telecast.

There are countless reasons Guillen should not be a major league manager — or anybody’s manager, for that matter — but expressing admiration for Fidel Castro is not one of them.

Oh, and he will be fired.

As Fisher made his way back into the NFL Honcho Room, the Indianapolis Colts’ Jim Caldwell made his way out. If they bumped into each other, Caldwell might’ve reminded Fisher how uneasy lies the headset that wears a coaching crown.

I’ll bet his 11 NBA championships he will coach again, in Tinseltown, at Staples Center — for your Los Angeles Clippers.

1. Shouldn’t she be Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year?

2. Whatever happened to American sports dominance?